It’s that time of the year again, time to receive the quarterly 401k statements. If you’re anything like myself, you’re not looking forward to the little piece of paper that’s telling you your beach retirement has turned into a lawn chair in the backyard by the wading pool.

With the AARP estimating that 401k plans have lost between 25 and 30% of their values recently, it’s hard not to cry.

So, to cheer everyone up, I’ve come up with a list of 10 Fun Things to do With Your 401k Statements.

1. Make a Bulls-Eye – Those cool little pie charts that usually tell you how your money is divvied up into different investments, makes a great little target for darts, knives, pellet guns, and even bows and arrows. Just pin them to your favorite backstop, and pretend you’re aiming for one of the hedge fund managers that caused all this.
2. Fold it into Paper Airplanes – It seems that those same funds that have just lost a third of your retirement funds, always has the money to print the statements on better-than-average paper stock. Perfect for folding. Fold that sucker and make it soar! At least that’s one way of getting your investments soaring again.
3. Make a Halloween Mask – A couple of eyeholes, some red marker to write “I’m YOUR 401k” and you’re ready to scare the bejeezus out of people. (Admittedly this probably won’t scare the kids, but the parents will take one look at you, and shy away in fear and revulsion).
4. Make a Papier-Mâché House – This one might be helpful, because it might be as close as you get to that French chalet you were originally planning on. Remember, details are important, so make your little replica as close to your dream cottage as you can.
5. Weave into a Bullet-Proof Vest – Now that your retirement funds are greatly decreased in value, it’s possible that your life insurance pay outs are much higher than your retirement pay outs. Seems like time to take precautions from that spouse that was planning on the French chalet. Can’t be too careful.
6. Use for Cut-Out Ransom Notes – These statements usually have different fonts, sizes, and sometimes different types of print. Perfect for using as cut-outs for ransom notes when you have to turn to that fall-back career (crime). Just don’t mess up and accidentally use the mailing address.
7. Make a Hamster Bed -  Giving your statement to Benny the hamster at least recycles the paper, and gives Benny a nice home. It also keeps Benny alive as a fall-back food source for when things get really bad. While you’re at it, stock up on some sea-salt and cracked pepper as well.
8. Play Liar’s Poker – A popular game around the drinking fountain, it goes kind of like this. “I can retire in 25 YEARS.”, “Well, I can retire in 22 YEARS.” “Liar! Show me the projections!” See how low you can bluff. Maybe you can win back enough money to actually retire when you say you will.
9. Re-Gift it (to Someone You Don’t Like) – This works as an “I-hate-you” kind of gift. Carefully white-out your name, and replace it with the name of someone you dislike. Maybe that neighbor that keeps bugging you about your dog barking, or the teacher that looks at you funny during all those parent-teacher conferences (that seem to happen so often with your child).
10. Make Paper Dolls – Cut up the statement into pieces you can then fashion into little dolls. You can then play with them, and pretend they’re going on a trip around the world. You can send them to Hawaii for a few months,.. then they can go to the Maldives, then maybe to England, Tibet, Egypt, Narnia, Oz, Metropolis, Olympus,. they can g o a w akljwerkt,….

(It seems the author has suffered a slight nervous breakdown, and will not be able to complete this post. Please tune in tomorrow as we believe with sufficient psychiatric help, and strong anti-depressants, we will have another article for you. Thanks for reading!)