As I’ve discussed before, my brother-In-Law is going through a terrible time now, having lost his wife recently. It’s come to light now that she had been hiding from him, some of the bills that she hadn’t been able to pay. She had been sick for quite a while, and apparently the medical bills had piled up quite a bit more than he had realized. She hadn’t ‘wanted him to worry about it’ so she ‘handled’ the situation.

The main way of handling it was to juggle the increasing calls from creditors, and make sure that no one knew that they were calling. I can understand this reaction. She didn’t want anyone to know how bad things really were, in hopes that she could resolve everything without anyone finding out how close they had been to the financial abyss. The problem is, she died.

Now, enter my brother-in-law. In a time of EXTREME hardship, he also has to handle a huge burden of precariously balanced debt, that is starting to make that Jingo-esque fall into a pile of financial rubble. He’s been hit by a double whammy now of family AND financial disaster.

Not the Cause, Just a Symptom

I’m not mad at my sister-in-law for doing this. It’s a pretty normal reaction for a lot of people. It’s akin to a drinking or substance-abuse problem as well. No one wants to actually ‘admit’ they have a problem until it’s well beyond their capabilities to handle it. Financial issues are no different. First it’s a couple of missed payments, which triggers increased interest fees/rates or collections actions, then it continues to spread like a disease across your other finances as you try to fight your way free of the situation. At some point, just like with a regular illness, you need outside assistance to get better.

The problem is that unlike going to the doctor for a shot of antibiotics, getting outside help for financial issues is a very touchy and sensitive issue in our society. Being seen as unable to manage your money and support the lifestyle you’ve been living in (unsustainable as it is) is still causes a social stigma in our society.

Interestingly enough on ‘Desperate Housewives’ last night (which I DON’T watch, but just happened to catch a segment of while casually flipping through the channels. No, really. I WAS channel surfing. Fine, don’t believe me.).  Gabrielle (Eva Longoria Parker) and Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chavira) were discussing a debacle of a party they had been to, and Gabrielle was moaning about how their lifestyle had plummeted since they had gotten married and had kids. Carlos went on to talk about the good things in their lives that had nothing to do with riches or social standing, and that many of the people in the ‘high society life’ were completely miserable. Comparatively speaking, their lives were happy, they were comfortable with their money, family, home, and each other. Rich in every sense except money.

The perception though, that you’re less than perfect for having financial problems is a rampant issue throughout our society still. People are doing STUPID things just to keep everyone thinking ‘everything’s fine, nothing to see here’. My sister-in-law, fell into the same trap.

Don’t be Stupidly Considerate

If you’re the one in charge of the bills, the LAST thing you want is to hose things up completely. You’re typically responsible for keeping the finances afloat and working at making sure the future is considered, while juggling all of the issues and problems of today. But that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone!

Bring your spouse or SO into the situation. Bite the bullet and get them involved. In most cases, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised at how supportive they can be, once they know the complete situation. Even if that isn’t the case at first, it’s a necessary step and has to be done. It’s their lives too, and at some point they have to ’step up’ and get with the game. It’s better to do it sooner rather than later, as in my brother-in-law’s case.

First Steps to Financial Well Being

1. Find out what you owe – As with anything, you don’t know where you’re going without knowing where you’re at. Get the whole picture together and figure out how bad things really are. I some cases, things might sound worse than they actually are. In others, it might be long past time to take emergency measures. Either way, get the whole picture.
2. Bring your spouse/SO up to date – This doesn’t mean sit down and throw a balance sheet in front of their face. It means have a talk (long, and or multiple) about the finances, how they got to where they are, and what needs to be done to get back in control. Ask for ideas, take their input, but keep on message. You have to solve this together, and that means coming up with the solution together.
3. Change the lifestyle – Once you’ve got a plan in place, make the necessary lifestyle changes to get it in action. Cut out the ‘fluff’, get a second job (or third), and sell that old stuff. Whatever it takes to get your finances back under control.
4. Track your progress – Just as with any other long-term lifestyle change (dieting, quitting smoking) you have to keep at it. Make sure you periodically re-assess your progress and keep yourself on track. It won’t do any good to go through all these steps, only to stop all progress a month or two from now. Keep at it.

With times as hard as they are now, you should get others involved as soon as a problem comes up. Don’t be ‘considerate’ of other’s feelings, only to have to tell them of worse news later.

Do the considerate thing, tell them now!

Do you hide your finances from your family? Leave us a comment and tell us your story.